Xboxist

Company Invents Pill For Hardcore Gamers

Whether we like it or not, gamers have generally been split into two camps: casual gamers such as those who enjoy a sporting match of Peggle every once in a while, or who still play the Nintendo Wii. Then there are the so-called hardcore gamers, whose passion for fragging virtual enemies is matched only by the hardness of their Mountain Dew saturated cores. The truly elite now have something even more powerful to keep their game hands going strong: energy supplements. a company calling itself Smith Bryant Labs has developed the product, which it claims to 'increase mental acuity during the gaming experience'.

The SBL Gamer Enhanced Energy & Focus pills come in a pack of 30 capsules for $29.95, meaning that they are roughly the same price as a bottle of Mountain Dew. But they promise to be SO much more effective than our old standby source of liquid courage. According to the manufacturer, SBL Gamer supplements will produce the following results:

* Sustained energy from 8-12 hours
* Higher mental and sensory acuity
* NO Crashing
* NO Jitters
* Can Turn into Chuck Norris
* Auto-Head Shot

We definitely hate the jitters and crashing that come along with abuse of our other favorite drug, pure Colombian cocaine, but we're not sure that we want to be putting this untested chemical cocktail into our bodies just yet. Be careful of the fine print -- the company states that users should consult with their health care providers before taking this stuff.

Also, they suggest that the drug might be unsuitable for people suffering from high or low blood pressure, cardiac arrhythmia, stroke; heart, liver, or thyroid disease; anxiety, depression, seizure disorder, psychiatric disease, diabetes, pernicious anemia, difficulty urinating due to prostate enlargement, or people taking an MAO inhibitor or any other medication. Gee, that just about describes everybody, doesn't it?

Say no to drugs, kids.